Rough Beginnings: Tips for Parenting a Job-Seeking Adult Child

Last week I got a heartbreaking call from my 20s something son. He’d applied for a job that fit him perfectly. The job offered benefits and work that he has spent the last 5 years training for.

He didn’t get the job. I listened to his deflated voice fighting back tears while he told me that despite upbeat and encouraging interviews (including a friendly invitation to have lunch with the entire staff after the last interview) he had just received a two line email citing his lack of experience as the reason he didn’t make the cut.

Granted he is not in his 40s with graying temples and that wise, seasoned look. He had enthusiasm, excitement and ideas for what he could contribute. He is a quick study and has always succeeded at anything he put his mind to.

My son is like many other highly motivated, competent but young people fighting to find a place in a weak and demoralized economy. As of May 2012, the unemployment rate for young adults ages 20-24 was 12.9 percent, and 12.1 percent for adults ages 18-29, according to Michael Walden, a William Neal Reynolds distinguished professor and extension economist.

What are parents to do? We can support, encourage and even offer some financial relief but we can’t change the reality of what our young men and women face as a result of a weak job market.

And what do parents feel? Well, I feel sick that I can’t change my son’s job reality. It does little good to tell him how it was for me when I was getting my first job, or tell him to try harder or just tell him to “suck it up.”

What can I or any of us do to help? Here’s my list of tips to help struggling family members and your 20s something young adult:

1. Remind your son or daughter that no one can be sure why a hire didn’t work. Was it because his communication style didn’t fit with the organization, was it that there was an internal candidate or they didn’t like the clothes he was wearing? You can try and guess but it won’t help your child move on.
2. Remind your son or daughter of all the positive qualities they have that will serve them well as they move on.
3. Remind your son or daughter that they “have just been socked in the gut” and understandably feel that awful feeling of disappointment and deflation. Moving out of that state is a process, just like mourning the loss of a relationship or the loss of a big sum of money. First, the process dictates, grief and sadness, then anger (that can lead to reassessment of career goals), acceptance and finally moving on. This process takes time so don’t try and rush it.
4. Remind yourself that you can help support and encourage, but don’t beat yourself up that you may not be able to do more than that (as a matter of fact that is plenty). Offering financial help as a bridge loan may help, but giving money out right may compromise your financial needs and/or make your child feel as if they have failed and are “pathetic.”
5. Take care of yourself. Think of all the things that are going right. That will serve as a model for your son or daughter to do the same.
6. Talk to friends and family about what has happened and don’t be shy about it. Who knows how someone may be able to help either by support or suggesting a friend or colleague your child can network with.