Where Does All Your Money Go?
Angie, the mother of two children, ages 7 and 10, paces around her living room worried that her children may not have a stimulating summer. Stimulation in the form of camps, trips and peer dates and outings cost money and she has been running a monthly deficit of $1000 a month for several months. She desperately wants to get her hair done and take a short breather from her three part-time businesses.
Another middle-aged woman, Sarah, is overwhelmed and confused by the recent discovery that her husband has not been telling the truth about his finances. He has outstanding credit card debt of over $50,000 and other unpaid bills scattered all over his disheveled desk. When they married 10 years ago he led her to believe he was wealthy.
Scarcity is a common theme for both Angie and Sarah.
Angie wants to provide well for her children, but she has needs of her own that will go wanting if she does what her children want. Sarah anticipated being taken care of by her husband only to find that he was secretly in debt and she may instead be part of a sinking ship.
Not “having enough” is a common fear for all of us but can be highlighted by a childhood bound by scarcity. Angie grew up poor and experienced her parents fighting and being anxious about “having enough” for as long as she could remember. She was determined not to let that happen as an adult. She worked hard to develop three different businesses to protect herself from the pain of scarcity.
Sarah had a more typical middle-class upbringing and was “comfortable” but not rich. Her parents conveyed the attitude that although they didn’t have millions they had enough to live modestly and provide slightly more than the basics for their three children.
For Angie the alarm bells of scarcity are ringing loudly from both the past and the present. For Sarah, her future is ringing loudly. She had full confidence in her husband’s statements that his finances were rock solid and plentiful.
So where DOES all the money go?
After some financial sleuthing and careful note taking of all her monthly expenses it became clear to Angie that in fact she was earning enough but was already spending more than she was aware of on her children. She realized it was easy to underestimate just how much because she was so eager for them not to suffer any lack. She would justify her spending on them with thoughts like, “They are just young once and I want to be a good mom,” “I don’t want them to suffer the way I did,” and “I don’t want their friends to think we are struggling.”
For Sarah, her sleuthing laid bare that a huge chunk of her husband’s money was going to the support of his two children from a former marriage. His children were 38 and 42. He had always been generous with them. But as of late his generosity has turned into self-sabotage. One son lost his job. He fully supported him for the last two years.
The other son had two children who always seemed to need camp money and music lesson money-all those extras that grandparents are so apt to supply.
Thus, the problem for both Angie and Sarah comes down to how to put limits on over spending and prioritize their own needs so they can shift and better balance where all the money is going.
The solution for Angie might be to realize that her children need a happy and relaxed Mom, not more super-sized fun and stimulation. She might tell them that they were all going to work on a project together to find things to do as a family that didn’t cost that much. For instance, riding bikes or hiking together, making crafts, playing games together or just hanging out, watching movies and discussing them together.
These are not glamorous activities but they create bonding that will long outlast the glitter of trips to an amusement park or time away at a camp. If she feels excited about what she can do with her children, they may balk at first, but her resolve about what she offers them will catch on and they will all be the better for it.
Sarah has a bigger problem because her husband is in the driver’s seat and she has been a willing passenger. She needs to talk with him and get some clarity on his motivation to continue to support his children when it is clearly damaging to both of them. She must confront him compassionately and not angrily, though she feels like screaming that he misrepresented himself to her and that she now feels trapped and threatened for their future.
This is a dilemma because Sarah has every right to feel angry and betrayed. However, her husband most likely has a great deal of shame about what he’s doing and could easily withdraw or refuse to listen to her if she presents a tirade of upset.
Both Angie and Sarah have the challenge of presenting what they need to an audience who would rather not hear it.They need to develop a sense of their own rightfulness and stand behind what they want for themselves and what would in fact be healthier for all concerned. The best way to accomplish this is to take the plunge and do it no matter what the apprehensions.
That is confidence and the only way to develop confidence is to “just do it!”
Maggie Baker, Ph. D.
Psychologist – Financial Therapist
Author of Crazy About Money: “How Emotions Confuse Our Money Choices And What To Do About It”.